Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
