I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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