so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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