I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I know her cup size but not her name....
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
