I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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