Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
