I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
