I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
