I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You may now shotgun with the bride
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
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