Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet