Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start