I like to think it a success when the cops are called
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
