So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I didn't notice because vodka
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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