Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
