Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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