If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
