Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize