Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
