I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
my vag is so smooth its legendary
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
