please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
