No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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