all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
