PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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