Sorry, I don't speak sober.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
