im six kinds of drunk right now
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
