I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
