Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
