maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
