You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
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Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
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i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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