i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
