I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
