Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
