I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
