Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
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