he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
