I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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