I just threw up on my dentist
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
