he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
