if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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