what day is it and did you see me today?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Of course I have a pirate flag
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
