Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
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If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
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I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
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