Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
where are my eyebrows?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
