That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
