Who wears a wallet chain?!
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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