I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
