so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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