Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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