Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
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she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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