Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
