Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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