Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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