I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
