can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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