Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
