I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
