I got her a Nickelback box set.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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