Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Randomize
