the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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