my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
